In Shere Hite’s 1981 classic “Hite Report on Male Sexuality” she famously found that 43% of teenage boys experimented sexually with other boys (usually through group or mutual masturbation) and this had no effect on their sexual orientation later in life. The vast majority grew up heterosexual, and most got married.
“Danny” and “Brad” are two guys I know and JO with, who had these types of early experiences masturbating with guys. In Danny’s case, his first buddy bate was jacking off with his brother, who was very close in age. For Brad, middle school slumber parties turned into circle jerks, which lasted until high school when the whole thing died out. Brad shares that, “Masturbation with our friends was enjoyed by our entire class. We would have Monday morning summaries of how much fun we had jerking off at so and so’s house. To most of the guys this was no reflection about their sexuality. We simply had discovered something that was a ton of fun. Our girlfriends did not have the interest in sex we boys had, so we also looked at these circle jerks as a way to have some sexual fun while we waited for the girls to catch up.”
So what about now? Why can’t str8, and bi men, who are in presumably monogamous hetero or mixed-orientation marriages, still enjoy the pleasure and bonding of bating with other guys? Like me, both Danny and Brad went on to get married to women. While Danny later divorced for other reasons, Brad and I both have open marriages where our wives know we bate together. As Brad puts it, “Fast forward a few decades and I am blessed that masturbation with friends is back in my life. It is so cool that my wife is totally fine with my having as many jerkoff buddies as I want, just not at home.”
A quick browse through BateWorld profiles shows there are guys who identify as str8 or bi who are interested in masturbating with other men. Many are in opposite-sex marriages. For some hetero couples, simply masturbating with another person, especially of the same gender, is not considered “sex” or “cheating.” Although, most do consider it a form of sex. Studies consistently show that only about 6% of heterosexual couples are in open marriages. For gay couples, the percentage is much higher. However, according to research conducted by YouGov, about half of all millennials are open to non-monogamy. Clearly, attitudes are changing, and this bodes well for married guys who would like to bate with a bro.
Following are tips from my own experience. This is not about being on the DL, or for marriages where even bringing up this topic will get you shut down. These are a few practical considerations for guys who have already opened up to their wives about their desire, or feel they have a trust level where they could do so.
Rules – In our case, with the help of our counselor, it was my wife who offered that we could open our marriage where it was OK for me to bate with guys, just no oral or anal sex. Penetration was reserved for us, which I am fine with. And I am not to host at our house.
Trust – Once the rules are in place, a big factor that contributed to our success was trust. Danny and I were friends long before we met our wives. He is very open about his sex life and willing to share personal stories with both of us. This helped address fears or jealousies my wife might have had once he and I started bating together. Danny is our mutual friend and she knows he’s my bate buddy. He helps us with projects around our house, and the three of us go out sometimes for dinner or movies.
Fairness – The most common question we get when we share about our open marriage with those closest to us is, can my wife also have sex with other people? Our answer is yes. However, she chooses not to. I would be fine with it though and have told her so.
Communication – We’ve agreed that when I have a buddy bate planned, I tell my wife in advance. We also talk about the experience briefly afterwards, but typically we don’t go into details. Road trips are good times for my wife and I to talk, and I check in with her periodically to see how our arrangement is going.
Frequency – We’ve both decided that me bating with another guy about once a month is our sweet spot. In between, she and I have sex, and I masturbate almost daily watching porn, which she also knows about. Transparency lifts the burden we would both be under without it.
Who – I have the good fortune to have bated with several long time friends. Most of them identify as bi. I also bate with guys I meet on BateWorld, after getting to know them. In terms of fooling around with other women, my wife and I have decided that is outside of our current marriage boundaries.
Resources – For couples wishing to explore ethical non-monogamy more, some excellent books we’ve read include: “Sex at Dawn,” by Christopher Ryan, who challenges the whole notion that monogamy is basic to human nature. In “Opening Up,” by Tristan Taormino, and “The Ethical Slut,” by Dossie Easton and Catherine Liszt, the authors take a deeper dive into practical issues surrounding non-monogamous and polyamorous relationships in all their forms. Finally, for those who approach sexual ethics from a Christian perspective, “Divine Sex,” by Philo Thelos is a great sex-positive resource.
So, for younger guys contemplating marriage, but not wanting to give up the fun and closeness of J/O sessions with a roommate or classmate, you don’t have to. Have frank discussions with your girlfriend or fiancé about expectations. Non-monogamy isn’t for everyone, but neither is monogamy. As for older married guys who want to recapture the circle jerks of your youth, nothing is impossible. There are hurdles for sure, but you can get there. I am living proof.
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