Dear Dr. Bate,
I love bating. But the problem is I feel like I love bating too much. Even when I am having sex with my people I still think about putting porns on and bating instead of enjoying the sex. Can you give me advice on this? I want to enjoy sex as much as I enjoy bating. Thanks,
-E
Garland’s Answer:
Hey E, thanks for your question!
I want to assure you that your concern is NOT uncommon, but first I want to state, for the record, that your love for bating is not the issue. I encourage you to enjoy it and nurture the love you have for your penis and your pleasure! Yes, enjoy it!
I’m hearing, however, two concerns:
- You are concerned with not being able to share your love of masturbation and porn with your partner. If this is the case, an easy remedy is to openly share your love of pornography and masturbation with your partner(s). Perhaps they would be open to partake in that with you. Perhaps they might be open to bating you or with you. This way you can enjoy the pleasure of your porn, masturbation, sex, and closeness with your partner.
- You are concerned about not being able to stay present and focused on your partner because you are too distracted by your desire for pornography and bating. If you’re desiring to be more present with your sexual partners it will require you taking the time to nurture and cultivate your interpersonal sex life with your partner(s). Often times, however, spending a considerable amount of time with pornography and masturbation can desensitize you not only to what other kinds of pleasures you can feel, but also to the pleasure of being with another human being.
I recommend taking a break from pornography for a while and find other ways to engage and reacquaint yourself with your sensate body. Finding ways that bring pleasure to your body outside of masturbation and external visual stimuli (porn) can be very informative and educational. Here is a great exercise that you and your partner can do to get you started on the path of reconnecting to your sensate body and with your partner’s body.
The Three-Minute Game!
Rules – Sit with you partner and take turns asking them to do something for your pleasure for three minutes. (“I would like for you to ____ for my pleasure for three minutes.”) The sky’s the limit, but the time limit is three minutes. Each person can negotiate tweaking the requests if they are not open to an element of it.
The receiver’s job is to be fully mindful of the experience, notice if you are checking out, or if you are unable to fully enjoy the experience. After the three minutes are over the next person states their request and becomes the receiver.
After each person has taken 1 round of give and take, allot time for “savoring” (gathering information about the experience: how did you feel, what was enjoyable, what was not enjoyable, what was hard, what was easy, etc.?)
Continue the give and take for as long as you desire, being as conscious and present to the sensations on each turn.
The goal of this exercise is to help you become more conscious of the pleasure you give and receive, your ability to do both, and to help you cultivate more presence with your body and your partner.
I hope this helps!
Garland
When I have an edging session – either on cam or online, I usually can hold no more than 20 minutes. How can I make my sessions longer?
-Smooth Guy
Toby’s Answer:
Hello Smooth Guy,
Your question is a common one. Sometimes we can get into rote habits around our masturbation and thus our body learns to respond accordingly. There are a few different things you can try to lengthen your bate sessions; movement, stroke and breath. For movement, you can try bating in different positions, such as lying down, sitting up, standing, and moving your hips while you bate.
You can also vary your stoke by slowing down your pace and even using your non-dominant hand which allows your cock to experience a different sensation. Using long slow belly breaths to move your erotic energy from your cock to the rest of your body can help aid not only elongated bating sessions, but you will experience sensations throughout your body that will enhance your self-pleasure.
Enjoy the pleasure that your penis gives you and have fun playing with your movement, stroke and breath to increase your bate session lengths slowly over time. And remember…Quality over quantity!
For more tips, check out our blog at: www.spiritualeros.com/blog/reclaimingmasturbation.
In Breath,
Toby
Brothers, we encourage you to exercise your best and highest wisdom and intuition!
If you’d like to submit questions, please email them to [email protected].
