I Am Not Your Token: What It Is Like To Be A Man Of Color In The Bate Community
 |
Edward |
| Posted on: | July 01, 2020 |
| Categorized: | Featured Articles |
A chat at THE BATE TABLE
with Bateworld member MyB8Buddy
The Question, What is it like to be A MAN OF COLOR in the Bate-Community?
“I don’t fit in this crowd.”
“One look at me and the decision will be made.”
“Damn! I’m not sexy enough.”
These are very few of the many thoughts that run in my head whenever I experience my bate in front of other none P.O.C. bators. These are the feelings I am sure we each can associate to on some level. But I believe it is essential to share the good, the bad, the ugly, and the beauty in our Bate Community and brotherhood. It is vital not to ignore what possibilities we have as a community to learn and grow, especially when it has to do with understanding our fellow P.O.C. bator experiences.
My bate journey will be different from yours, or my bate journey will be a lot like yours; this is the point of this post for me, to get the conversation started. I will be the first to state, I do not have any set answers, but I do have my experiences, and you have yours, and together those moments become the answers to our hopefully shared change.
These experiences can happen from various situational reasons and contexts. However, when a bator of color steps into a bate space, collectively, there are some shared experiences. Being approached “jokingly” with a clumsy and insensitive joke or eyed from across the room, only then to be blocked “casually” from joining in the circle.
I believe this is where the conversation should start. I guarantee every P.O.C. Bator can share a moment they felt all eyes were on (or not on) them in an Uncomfortable, fun, and sexy way despite the set intentions of these events.
Why? We are usually the only one or of very few (the token) at these events.
Being a man of color in the bate community, in my personal opinion, is a constant mental battle of trying not to feel like a continuous met quota.
In my own experience, I have had said to me or been messaged privately online with lines from fellow none P.O.C. bators, such as,
“Wow, for a black guy, you are pretty hot, man!”
“Try putting on more muscle; I know my white friends love muscled black men.”
“Damn, give me that thick N***** Dick!”
…Inhale…exhale
We all have our preferences, and that is all fine and well, BUT not all bators are polite or civil about stating such, and that is me putting it nicely. Some downright objectify that I am black, that is never fun when all I wanted was to talk about the things we have in common, stress-carefree stroking of our dicks and to share that horny passion with another man.
The objectifying of me being a black man is something I often encounter both on and off online from guys, and I have found ways to handle it, but that does not make it any less uncomfortable. Those interactions become my living nightmare. Remarks like, “You black guys…”, “Is it true all black guys…?”
From my point of view, I feel me being black has become measured only as a taboo sex fantasy escape. An escape that does not allow us to bond in a mindful respectful way. An escape that does not allow us to explore our manhood and connections. This introduction is, in fact, an unwanted trap.
…Sharing of the good, the bad, the ugly, and the beauty in our Bate Community and brotherhood.
My bate journey has had some very fun experiences that are exceptional rewarding moments in my growth and exploration of my manhood.
- I have been a part of, and helped in leadership run a local Bate group in my city where more than half of our members are men of color. I think it helped me being a man of color and a part of leadership and, thus, a small positive black representation.
- I spent a weekend in San Diego attending CockSummit, and with love and many new friendships enjoyed three days of naked fun.
- I discovered I relish edging/milking and loving on my bate buddy/brother penis. Exploring his cock and finding out what makes it ridge.
- I have also learned I am a Wake n Bake n Edge for 3-4hrs type of bator, hahaha.
In closing thoughts, I believe it is essential to share the good, the bad, the ugly, and the beauty in our community. We cannot ignore this possibility to learn and grow, especially when it has to do with understanding your fellow P.O.C. bator experiences.
These are my experiences, and where I am in my journey with the current state of the world. There is so much more to be shared.
What are your experiences? Where are you in your journey? Please share in the comments below.
Read MyB8Buddy’s first article BEING A MAN OF COLOR ON BATEWORLD
A chat at THE BATE TABLE
with Bateworld member MyB8Buddy
The Question, What is it like to be A MAN OF COLOR in the Bate-Community?
“I don’t fit in this crowd.”
“One look at me and the decision will be made.”
“Damn! I’m not sexy enough.”
These are very few of the many thoughts that run in my head whenever I experience my bate in front of other none P.O.C. bators. These are the feelings I am sure we each can associate to on some level. But I believe it is essential to share the good, the bad, the ugly, and the beauty in our Bate Community and brotherhood. It is vital not to ignore what possibilities we have as a community to learn and grow, especially when it has to do with understanding our fellow P.O.C. bator experiences.
My bate journey will be different from yours, or my bate journey will be a lot like yours; this is the point of this post for me, to get the conversation started. I will be the first to state, I do not have any set answers, but I do have my experiences, and you have yours, and together those moments become the answers to our hopefully shared change.
These experiences can happen from various situational reasons and contexts. However, when a bator of color steps into a bate space, collectively, there are some shared experiences. Being approached “jokingly” with a clumsy and insensitive joke or eyed from across the room, only then to be blocked “casually” from joining in the circle.
I believe this is where the conversation should start. I guarantee every P.O.C. Bator can share a moment they felt all eyes were on (or not on) them in an Uncomfortable, fun, and sexy way despite the set intentions of these events.
Why? We are usually the only one or of very few (the token) at these events.
Being a man of color in the bate community, in my personal opinion, is a constant mental battle of trying not to feel like a continuous met quota.
In my own experience, I have had said to me or been messaged privately online with lines from fellow none P.O.C. bators, such as,
“Wow, for a black guy, you are pretty hot, man!”
“Try putting on more muscle; I know my white friends love muscled black men.”
“Damn, give me that thick N***** Dick!”
…Inhale…exhale
We all have our preferences, and that is all fine and well, BUT not all bators are polite or civil about stating such, and that is me putting it nicely. Some downright objectify that I am black, that is never fun when all I wanted was to talk about the things we have in common, stress-carefree stroking of our dicks and to share that horny passion with another man.
The objectifying of me being a black man is something I often encounter both on and off online from guys, and I have found ways to handle it, but that does not make it any less uncomfortable. Those interactions become my living nightmare. Remarks like, “You black guys…”, “Is it true all black guys…?”
From my point of view, I feel me being black has become measured only as a taboo sex fantasy escape. An escape that does not allow us to bond in a mindful respectful way. An escape that does not allow us to explore our manhood and connections. This introduction is, in fact, an unwanted trap.
…Sharing of the good, the bad, the ugly, and the beauty in our Bate Community and brotherhood.
My bate journey has had some very fun experiences that are exceptional rewarding moments in my growth and exploration of my manhood.
- I have been a part of, and helped in leadership run a local Bate group in my city where more than half of our members are men of color. I think it helped me being a man of color and a part of leadership and, thus, a small positive black representation.
- I spent a weekend in San Diego attending CockSummit, and with love and many new friendships enjoyed three days of naked fun.
- I discovered I relish edging/milking and loving on my bate buddy/brother penis. Exploring his cock and finding out what makes it ridge.
- I have also learned I am a Wake n Bake n Edge for 3-4hrs type of bator, hahaha.
In closing thoughts, I believe it is essential to share the good, the bad, the ugly, and the beauty in our community. We cannot ignore this possibility to learn and grow, especially when it has to do with understanding your fellow P.O.C. bator experiences.
These are my experiences, and where I am in my journey with the current state of the world. There is so much more to be shared.
What are your experiences? Where are you in your journey? Please share in the comments below.
Read MyB8Buddy’s first article BEING A MAN OF COLOR ON BATEWORLD
21 Responses to “I Am Not Your Token: What It Is Like To Be A Man Of Color In The Bate Community”
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Well done. And a wake up call to many of us. Thanks for this.
I can relate, but from a slightly different perspective of being a non-american as well as black. I’m from the Caribbean but have been to cities in the US and lived in Canada a bit.
The objectification is real and it is a part of sexual culture as a whole, not just bators. Being black AND far away from most of the other users here makes me a less attractive option to message i feel. BUT i have made some great connections with people that don’t see those things as necessarily bad.
There are jerks on Bateworld, as there are everywhere, but by and large people are pretty damn respectful compared to other communities. (cough..Grindr!..cough, cough). even the ignorant statements seem to be just that.
Over the years I’ve grown into the mindset that people who only see one facet of who i am are missing out on a lot and that’s their loss. i feel bad for them, because for me an experience is so much richer when u truly know ur partner, the connection is deeper, the communication is better and a more fun time is had by all.
Just my 2 cents.
Thanks for writing this and beginning this dialogue on BW. As a Black, gay man that enjoys masturbation I have encountered my share of blatant racism and covert racism within the bate community. Being excluded from vidchat rooms or groups because of my race (I know this because I’ve asked white bate friends that gained access what the make up of the room was to learn it was all white cis men). Had BBC (big black cock) hurled at me in rooms or groups (If you don’t know the racist history behind this term, fetishization of black men, etc. then do your homework on Google). Or when I’ve been in bate groups online and read racist comments and mention to my fellow bators how I found their comments offensive with the intentions of having dialogue from the “brotherhood”, I am only met with aggression and attacked placing the blame on me for my feelings because of their racist behavior (i.e.: ” I’m sorry you felt what I said was offensive”). These experiences have happened with white cis bators and other non-Black POC. Does any of this surprise me? No. I’ve been Black since 1982 and racism has been part of my experience every second, every minute, every day, every week, every month, every year ever fucking since. But that does not excuse this behavior. On a whole, the “community/brotherhood” needs to be and do better if it wants to continue to self identify as such.
Thank you brother for sharing your experiences. Speaking as a white man (UK) it pains me that you have been treated in this way by the bate community.
I try to be aware of any biases of my own, and to blot out any stereotypical assumptions. Being aware is the start of confronting any inculcated racism.
Rob
Dude, I’m black and Native American and it’s happened to me as well….. . I have never used color when describing any ones cock…NEVER! but I get so tired of hearing I love your black cock…or i’ve never had a black dick …or thats a nice BBC…what does color have to do with a bate session. A dick is a dick no matter what color……isnt this supposed to be a brotherhood?
“I don’t fit in this crowd.”
“One look at me and the decision will be made.”
“Damn! I’m not sexy enough.”
Very well said – you capture in words what is in my heart. Have to have a thicker skin in this world when that skin contains more melanin.
This is what I write on my profile when I join here to express the hurt at the dismissal, the disrespect and the ignorance – this is how we have always believed and lived and one day my hope it is universal all through this world…
Not all are perfect in your eyes…But all are perfect in the Great Spirits eyes. All peoples – two legs, four legs, wing people, crawlers all are the Great Spirits creations. Respect All as you respect yourself. The hurt of one is the hurt of all, the honor of one is the honor of all. Aho!
Respect.
Black is beautiful. period.
Thanks for writing this man, its great to have a voice here……it’s a great community.
Thanks for sharing your experience and perspective. As a white guy, I really benefit from hearing it. There is so much racism that is hidden behind a thin shield of ‘preference.’ Not cool. I have and will continue to call bullshit on that when I see it.
Thanks for sharing man.
Thanks for bringing up this and for sharing your experiences
Thank you for this. The white bate community -we have a lot of work to do. But I am glad you are here and part of the brotherhood….(passes the albolene). 🙂
Thank you for writing such a thoughtful piece. It requires courage to speak from the heart. I thank you for reminding me of the subtle and not so subtle ways that racism works.
Thanks for writing this thoughtful and honest piece. I love when men, particularly black men, are brave enough to be vulnerable. It’s sexy and extremely underrated. I related and didn’t relate all at the same time. And experiencing life through another’s point of view is always valuable, even in the bate space.
Thanks for this blog entry! Even as a pale-skinned RastafarI living mostly in Berlin, this phenomenon is that obvious that I start to hyperventilate when guys claim they never notice any of it. And being pale-skinned, I am just exposed to a tiny fraction of that. Like a stranger in a gay bar walking up from behind to my African American boyfriend at the time, petting his hair without asking or talking to him at all. Certain gay bars that will let in one “token” of any skin color only (that isn’t caucasian, of course). Getting called “traitor to the people” in a gay bar, for heaving dread locks. Friends (and there a lot of these) telling me, there would be someone for me entering a gay bar – just because he’s black and I have had two black boyfriends in the past three decades (among a dozen or so white guys – and nobody ever told me, “someone for me” would enter the room, because he’s white).
The list goes on and on and on, and I sometimes get the feeling, it’s not even possible to have a normal communication / engagement in the community, as soon as a white guy enters the room who has been conditioned to think, he’s the default guy, and hasn’t unconditioned himself to think that.
These global revolutionary BLM-days, I am getting a bit less tired though, when here on BW white bros ask questions publicly, which would make me gasp at all other times, but which show their upfull interest in changing themselves. Just now finding the motivation or interest to actually do that. As I have always complained about the lack of interest, I am actually delighted, that such people ask questions of this sort. Even though the vocabulary they use or the sort of questions they raise makes me wonder, wether they have actually EVER interacted with someone before, who isn’t their own skin color.
I am white and two of my best friends are black!
That’s true and, to me, that’s no different from saying “I am short and two of my best friends are tall.”
In this world, we have ignorant and wise people and we mean and kind people.
I am white and I receive mean and ignorant comments like the ones your received. When that happens, I am thankful because they make it easy for me to decide to stay away from them.
Just like you experienced in San Diego, I have personally been to events with one black guy in them but he just happens to be darker than the rest. Focus on those good times and good people and stay away from narrow-minded people.
My tip: look at yourself like simply “a man”, not “a man of color”.
Why? because when you label yourself as “man of color”, you’re setting yourself apart from your brothers of all other shades.
A million thanks for writing this!!! I get thoroughly pissed off when a white guy says, “Fuck me, fuck me with your big black dick” as soon as I meet them. It’s like I’m not a person, I have no personality and I didn’t work my butt off in college, grad school and on the job. I’m also supposed to be only into being a fucking top, which I have no interest in. What makes it worse is that they usually see their words as a compliment.
Thanks for sharing this man. Ive had similar experience being the only p.o.c. in a bate group. Ive gotten “cute for a black guy” or “you’re one of the good ones” comment too many times to count. It kinda ruined my irl bate life for a while, but the good people ive met here have helped me reflect on those experience. Hearing your story makes me feel as though im not alone in this, so i really appreciate your sharing.
I am either going to write much too little or MUCH TOO MUCH. I won’t know until I get there. OK — I came out when I was 12 years old — that was in 1972.
Oftentimes — when I was old enough to go to a bar legally I was the only person of color in the entire bar. After awhile I realized that since there was nothing I could do about the lack of other ethnicities, I would not worry about it. (For the most part.) I decided that the other guys would have to accept me or not — just as I was going to do with them.
However, I did allow myself to be ‘fetishized’. More than I probably should, but an advantage is an advantage, right? It didn’t hurt that I am also very well spoken and educated, so one could actually have a conversation with me.
As to ‘not fitting in’ — surely this isn’t the first environment you’ve been in that was like that. I think about it like this, “The only thing ‘different’ about me was the color of my skin. But, I also have hazel eyes, unusual. But, that wouldn’t be a disqualifier, would it? So, why should my skin color? (Now, I admit, it took me awhile to get there, but I did.)
In other words, DO NOT MAKE THIS A BIG PROBLEM. Especially since it’s THEIR problem!
Now, I do have lines that if crossed, too bad for them — but that will have to be up to you.
ITS A HUGE PROBLEM. Basically you’re saying just don’t let it bother you. Also you stating that you are educated and easy to communicate with means POC are usually un educated and hard to communicate with. Which is completely un true. Basically your saying just blend in and don’t make a big deal about being fetishized for your race. That’s wild to me. Just to sleep with or be invited in the room with white men. If I cant be seen for other than my race I don’t want to be in that room or with those people at all.
Thanks for sharing your experience.