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RECLAIMING MASTURBATION: PART 1

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EDITOR’S NOTE: We’re very honored to add Garland Jarmon and Toby de Luca to TheBatorBlog. These two professional sexologists will be answering questions for our Ask Dr. Bate column.

This series, written by Garland Jarmon, originally appeared at SpiritualEros.com.

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I discovered masturbation in 1993 at the age of 11. From what I have gathered, this is not unaccustomed for boys my age. One day you discover the intense feelings of penile self-pleasure and the next, you have a friend for life! Unfortunately, like so many others, I was derailed from fully being able to explore and embrace this new found pleasure without guilt, shame, and religious judgment.

My father caught me not too long after my first few days of orgasmic bliss and reprimanded me for the activity stating that if I continued I’d “grow a third leg.” Well, obviously this was never going to happen, but the mere act of him reprimanding me surely did instill fear into my recently discovered joy. My mother, years later, would follow suit and declare that masturbation was a sexual sin because it was “having sex with yourself.”

22 years have transpired since then and I share this story now because the road back to reclaiming the joys of masturbation free from negative and debilitating baggage has been long and hard (pun intended). Remnants still remain. And I know, from work I’ve done with clients and other conversations I’ve had, I’m not the only one with this struggle – grown men who, decades later, can’t fully embrace and enjoy their sexuality and eroticism because of debilitating guilt and shame!

THIS IS UNFORTUNATE!

 

THE JOURNEY BACK TO MY BODY

About 6 years ago I began a slow journey back to reclaiming the self-pleasures of my penis. Granted, against my parents’ wishes, I continued to masturbate all those 22 years, but it was never something that I felt I could fully throw myself into as a self-loving and self-pleasuring activity – an activity whose own pleasure was reason enough to indulge. My folks, coupled with my religious upbringing, had previously and systematically ruined this self-loving potential. Every time I’d do it, I’d be riddled with guilt.

I chose a different experiment, searched, and found a website that was specifically tailored towards the joys of male masturbation and met a lot of guys who had very similar stories and those whose fathers, instead of discouraging their sons, supported their self-discovery and pleasure. There was a HUGE difference in attitude and freedom between those who were discouraged young and those who grew up without the baggage. The latter exhibited a freedom I so desperately yearned for.

So, through The Body Electric School, my ongoing study of Tantra, and the work I’ve been doing with myself and my clients around masturbation and self-love I want to share 3 points that I hope will help enhance your own masturbation practice and bring a renewed sense of presence to it.

 

 

 

3 TIPS FOR CREATING A DEEPER MASTURBATION PRACTICE

(MILEAGE MAY VARY)

 

1. BE MINDFUL AND INTENTIONAL

We set time to exercise our physical bodies. We go the gym, run, bike, etc. but when was the last time you actually set a specific time to masturbate? Many guys masturbate as a means to an end, sometimes as an afterthought. That end is usually to relieve stress, let off steam and relax the body before bed, to relieve horniness, or even to cure boredom. These sessions often last no more than 10-20 minutes, if that long. But have you ever considered masturbation as part of a mindfulness practice, an intentional self-loving exercise?

Here’s a challenge – set aside some time this week to spend with yourself. Set an intention for your session beforehand, what do you want to get out of your session today? Give yourself 30-60 minutes for the exercise. Take about 5-10 minutes to warm up as you would when at the gym. Perhaps you might find stretching, yoga, and/or breath exercises as a great way to ground. The point is to get in touch with your body, your breath, and to tune in to what your body is desiring. Most of us never actually take the time to ask our bodies what it actually wants or needs in any given moment.

For instance, if I were to ask you what your body needed and/or wanted in this very moment as you are reading this sentence, what would it say?

While you progress through the session, be mindful of the feelings, sensations, images, thoughts, emotions, or anything else that might come up in your body. Truly pay attention to your body.

 

 

 

2. BREATHE AND RELAX

I spend a fair amount of time teaching my clients how to breathe. Because we live in a culture so riddled with stress and instant everything, we rarely learn how to take full deep abdominal breaths. Also, because sex is as psychological as it is physical, spiritual as it is physiological, breath is a crucial component in centering the body and bringing it to a point of rest.

Breathing and relaxing do wonders for your erotic energy. Most guys tend to tense their muscles and engage in shallow breathing when they are masturbating as if they are enduring to the end. This does a couple of things, 1) it locks your body into sensory habits. Over time, this position will become default; the main way your body will learn how to achieve orgasm and/or ejaculation (there is a difference) and the more you do it, the harder it’ll become to break the habit and 2) tensing the body will also have the same restricting affect on your energy. Most of the energy you build will stay in the area around your genitals. This is awesome if you want to cum quickly, but you’ll hardly experience the wonder of breathing and opening your ENTIRE body to the energy that you are capable of building.

Breath is the vehicle in which this energy is channeled throughout the body and deep breathing literally creates space for the energy to rise and expand throughout your body. So take deep breaths as you are climbing the ladder of sexual and erotic bliss. And taking a deep, deep breath right before climax is a great way to send you into orbit! Give it a try!

 

 

 

3. SLOW DOWN – THIS IS NOT A RACE!

Let me repeat: THIS IS NOT A RACE!

You wouldn’t go to the gym and throw on several pounds of weight and lunge into a full-fledged workout, would you? NO! You have to warm your body up. In the same way, take the time to actually wake your body up, tune in, and explore the journey of arousal.

Do you know other erogenous zones besides your groin? If so, do you incorporate those parts into your practice – nipples, ass, skin, etc.? Are you more interested in the destination of orgasm and ejaculation rather than the journey to heightened stages of arousal, pleasure, and sensation? Don’t drive your body like you drive your car! Take your time, enjoy the scenery, taste the air, open your senses. Check under the hood sometime.

Remember that masturbation doesn’t have to be just about “getting off.” It can be and should be, with practice, a full body experience. Give yourself permission to reclaim your masturbation and permission to embrace your pleasure! Taking time to explore and ride the waves of sexual energy can be a very rewarding, healing, and educational experience.

In Part 2, I’ll delve further into the sex magic that is masturbation! Stay tuned! And feel free to let us know how your practice is going! We’d love to hear from you!

Read RECLAIMING MASTURBATION: PART 2 – MORE TRICKS OF THE TRADE!

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DrBate
Garland Jarmon heralds from 7 years as an HIV/AIDS educator and sexual health counselor for individuals and couples. Having a Masters in Social Work and now as a Certified Sexological Bodyworker, he seeks to help all those in the LGBTQIA, straight, and Bator community live a more wholesome and embodied life, full of mindfulness and conscious exploration.Toby de Luca comes from a background in Education and Massage Therapy. With a Masters in Teaching and also as a Certified Sexological Bodyworker, he to assist folks in facilitating stronger, healthier relationships with their own bodies and their relationships with others.Together they co-own their own Sex and Erotic Coaching business — Spiritual Eros (www.SpiritualEros.com). They desire to bring to the BateWorld Community an opportunity to have an open and honest discussion about issues that many of us face. They believe that everything is an experiment and that the only failed experiment is one you don’t collect the data from. They also understand that because their answers may not fit every lived experience, they welcome community members to offer their own experiences, challenges, and triumphs. They are proponents that healthy community creates healthier lives…and healthy lives, healthier communities!Garland and Toby are Sexologists and as such are NOT medical doctors or therapists. The opinions, suggestions, and advice given are not meant to be in lieu of your primary care physician’s medical advice. If you are concerned about a medical condition or have a medical emergency, PLEASE contact your doctor, urgent care, or emergency room!Brothers, we encourage you to exercise your best and highest wisdom and intuition!If you’d like to submit questions, please email them to [email protected].

View all posts by DrBate

Garland Jarmon heralds from 7 years as an HIV/AIDS educator and sexual health counselor for individuals and couples. Having a Masters in Social Work and now as a Certified Sexological Bodyworker, he seeks to help all those in the LGBTQIA, straight, and Bator community live a more wholesome and embodied life, full of mindfulness and conscious exploration.

Toby de Luca comes from a background in Education and Massage Therapy. With a Masters in Teaching and also as a Certified Sexological Bodyworker, he to assist folks in facilitating stronger, healthier relationships with their own bodies and their relationships with others.

Together they co-own their own Sex and Erotic Coaching business — Spiritual Eros (www.SpiritualEros.com). They desire to bring to the BateWorld Community an opportunity to have an open and honest discussion about issues that many of us face. They believe that everything is an experiment and that the only failed experiment is one you don’t collect the data from. They also understand that because their answers may not fit every lived experience, they welcome community members to offer their own experiences, challenges, and triumphs. They are proponents that healthy community creates healthier lives…and healthy lives, healthier communities!

Garland and Toby are Sexologists and as such are NOT medical doctors or therapists. The opinions, suggestions, and advice given are not meant to be in lieu of your primary care physician’s medical advice. If you are concerned about a medical condition or have a medical emergency, PLEASE contact your doctor, urgent care, or emergency room!

Brothers, we encourage you to exercise your best and highest wisdom and intuition!

If you’d like to submit questions, please email them to [email protected].

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5 Comments

  1. Yes, the guilt exercise loaded onto an adolescent did get to me in a way not intended. Masturbation became a secret, private world which excluded all humans… and animals ( despite my dog’s rather prurient interest at what we going on so playfully without having to chase the ball again!!). Then thrill gave gave a sense of power over those who preached the Doctrine of Denial. I am much amused now as i recall that I masturbated in an astonishing number of locales: in my bed ( natch!!!), shower, bath tub, sports stadia (sic), movie theatre, public bus, shipcabin, ship deck, Latin class ( amo amas!!!), science laboratory, economy class aeroplane, swimming pool, beach dunes, beach surf, on motor cycle ( stationary) car ( moving a varying speeds depending of the stage I was at)… and in a vestry. BUT I did discover the art of self-love.. slow, imaginative, teasing, orgasm with budding images.. sometimes shared with my buddy. Became a successful husband. No arrested development… but I do keep my hand in , so to speak. Thaanks.

  2. I love masturbation even more than with some else. I am in control of something in this thing we call life.,

  3. ‘Handy hint’ Remove bedside clocks, wall clocks, wristwatches etc., out of sight for as long as you’re busy with yourself.

  4. I’ve never heard anything as absurd & astounding as what your own mother said to you!!! What church were your parents hooked on?! Sounds insane. I’m glad you were able to see through that bullshit and reclaim your penis.