In another revealing post M.B. Timothy (Saboteur on Bateworld) touches on feelings of shame around masturbation. He also explains how we can overcome it. This is an excerpt from Timothy’s book CEDAR: An Ode To Masturbation, available now on Amazon, a sensual celebration of solosexuality through fact and fiction. Timothy has also released an anthology of essays on advanced masturbation called Real Men Masturbate, covering subjects from edging to handsfree ejaculation.
Timothy has been published on The Bator Blog where he wrote the popular articles, The Truth About Male Orgasm Parts One and Two. His blog No Love Like Solo Love is dedicated to masturbation and body pride. He has been called a Guru of Technique and an Evangelist of Self Love. He masturbates everyday.
Hormone-ridden, confused, moody. It is a time we must all navigate. Teenagerhood. It is a time which can be destructive and isolating. It can also be beautiful and full of discovery. It should be a time, if held aloft sensitively by the adults in our life, which delivers us toward the best versions of ourselves as adults.
The anxiety which pokes its head in my life from time to time can be traced back to my adolescence. It was far more acute then. I cannot pinpoint a root cause, and perhaps there is no root cause. Some psychotherapists have said that solosexuals, or “masturbation addicts”, are reacting to childhood trauma. To them, masturbation is the embodiment of emotional avoidance. Perhaps for some. Not for me. I have no childhood trauma. I fought with my father and sometimes he scared me, but that is not trauma. That is ordinary. And yet I masturbate.
I masturbate but I am as emotionally available as anyone. I am a good friend, a good son, a good employee, a good partner and proud to say, a good citizen to any stranger in need. I know this to be true. I don’t avoid friendships. My bator brothers are my community. I share tremendously with them and make myself available.
In my teenage years, I felt isolated. I felt different in ways I did not yet understand. It made me feel at times worthless. Such feelings can be par for the course of adolescence, and they were so for me.
I see now that masturbation was a coping strategy for me. It was a way to quell dark surges. It helped to nip them in the bud before they got worse. How important masturbation was to me in this regard. To think that in the classroom the closest I got to a positive evocation of the importance of masturbation was buried somewhere in a textbook that described it as “normal.” I don’t believe that is good enough. Masturbation is better than normal. Masturbation is affirming. It is healing. It is wonderful. And especially for teenagers.
Imagine a world where teens, confused enough about sexuality, can be encouraged to embrace their first sexuality can be with themselves. Imagine the problems we would avoid. Imagine a generation brought up to love their solosexuality, not to hate their bodies, not to think their sexuality depends on another. Imagine what impact that would have on the sex phobic times we live in. Imagine the damage it would undo. Toxic masculinity… Degradation of women’s worth… Body issues… Harassment… Unwanted pregnancy.
As a teenager, I masturbated against those dark feelings of worthlessness. I felt present and vital while I did it, but then I was gripped by shame and guilt after. Being told “it’s normal” did not cut it. Imagine if I had been taught to feel good after. Imagine if I had been taught that masturbation was healthy, that it promoted happiness, made me love myself. And I am a male. I can only imagine it would impact tenfold more positively on young girls. To own and embrace their bodies with self-respect. To learn that their sexuality is theirs. To foster control. And trans teens, whose discomfort in their bodies is only amplified more, imagine if they were taught that their empowerment depends on no one, that they owe it to no one.
Being shrugged off that it’s normal is not enough. We are dunked in sex phobia every day. We are all dripping in it. We must teach the positivity and gravitas of masturbation. We don’t need to show teenagers how it is done. That’s not what I am saying. Teens aren’t stupid. We simply need to show them why it is good to masturbate; why a solosexuality is good to foster. Teach them that it can be fostered in conjunction with other partnered sexualities. It is not an either/or. We just need to show teenagers how tofeel greatabout masturbating and about themselves.
If we get mid-way or even further through our life and we have not yet learnt the lesson, it is never too late.
Men ask me all the time, how do I stop feeling bad about masturbating? A lifetime of shame is difficult to undo. Rewire your brain. In the moments you are not masturbating, remind yourself of all the things we know to be true. Masturbating is good for you. Men who masturbate have better sexual function and response. Masturbation is exercise. Masturbation is pain relief. Masturbation releases dopamine and endorphins. It makes you feel happy. Tell yourself. The more you retrain your brain on all the positive aspects of solosexuality, the better chance you have of a positive thought entering your mind after you masturbate. And when you back up masturbation with positivity, you are effectively making love to yourself.
Masturbating more will be a reward in and of itself. It is the greatest gift you can bestow upon yourself. The more you masturbate, the more you will come to understand your body. You will master your pleasure. The better you get, the healthier you feel about it, the deeper the wellspring you will find in masturbating. Your body is capable of tremendous acts.
I heal myself through sex like this. I heal the wound of wrenching myself from conforming. I stand before the mirror to masturbate. I caress one nipple with my left hand and I edge my hard penis with the other. When I hit the edge, I lift my right hand to masturbate my other nipple. Something incredible happens when I do this. I build up the most intense sexual pleasure and I feel my nipples activate in sensitivity. It’s like a hum of electricity inside me growing to lightning strike.
I am an attuned masturbator. By practicing the art and by really thinking about my pleasure, I know how to play my body like a masterful pianist. My whole body is activated. I am fully making love. I get so close to the point of no return that just five pounds keeps me there. Then four. Then three. Then two. Then one. Just one pound of my penis sends orgasmic waves through me. I see myself writhing. My hips are thrusting. My body is burning. My eyes are locked onto myself. A vision of pleasure. It fuels me forward. I keep tweaking. Sexual pleasure has fully transferred from my penis to my nipples. I masturbate my nipples in this incredible moment. Then I feel it. I see it too. A stream of ejaculate pours from my penis, which is throbbing, stabbing at the sky. I hear the drop, drop, drop of my semen hit the floor. I sigh in gratitude.