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Ask The Batemaster: To Tell Or Not To Tell, That Is The Question

How do I tell my partner I’m a masturbator?

QUESTION:

My sex life with my partner is very healthy. How do I bring up my masturbation addiction to them, especially considering that I’m a chronic edger/gooner?

RESPONSE:

Many men who are partnered, but who also adore self-pleasure deal with this situation. The dynamic depends very much on the emotional security of the other person, as well as the maturity of the relationship. When you are having nice sexual relations with your partner, but also want to enjoy your edging and gooning, except they don’t know about it, ideally, it’s best to have no secrets. It’s good to test the waters and figure out if your partner is ready to accept this about you without major disruption of your relationship.

A good way to begin is just to discuss the matter in more general terms, not talking about yourself and your own relationship specifically, but putting it in terms of how things work for some couples. Go light on details at first, and don’t be too obvious where it’s leading. Don’t put it in terms of something you necessarily want, but as broader speculation about human nature and the dynamics of how some people’s relationships work.

Unfortunately, some couples combine a partner with a strong desire for masturbation, with someone who doesn’t feel the same drive, or at least they believe that it ought to be completely fulfilled in the sex between the partners. This second person may have good intentions, but they may be programmed by the cultural concept of monogamy, to believe that the partners should be able to be all things to each other, and to provide all needs. In practice, over the long run this is seldom true, and usually not realistic.

At the same time, if you really love them, and you can tell they would feel threatened, would have a hard time accepting that you also want to masturbate a lot, be careful about revealing your true needs in this realm. In the long term, you have to be true to yourself, and you should not deny yourself what you really want and need. However, in the short term, consider the consequences and try to understand this from their perspective. Even if you would not have the same reaction, ask yourself seriously: Is it worth endangering this relationship to insist on having what I want in this situation?

Overall, it’s true, “Honesty is the best policy,” and having no secrets from each other is ideal. Only life is often far from ideal. Perhaps what they don’t know for now, will not hurt them. You have the right to as much pleasure as you want. If you choose to continue hiding your practice from them, just prepare yourself well for what happens if they finds out. That may actually turn out for the best.

If you sound your partner out, and decided to tell them, one good approach is to say, “Because I am this way does not mean I love you any less. In fact, if we could try doing this together, it would be wonderful. And if you don’t want to, that’s also okay.” A loving partner wants their partner to be happy, and it definitely goes both ways.

A note from The Batemaster: I’m honored that the guys at Bateworld have asked me to respond to some questions from male masturbators around the world every week.

Always check with your doctor about any issues you might be experiencing with your sexual organs. Prompt diagnosis and treatment are important. This article’s purpose is to inform and entertain readers and is not a substitute for medical advice or treatment.

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The Batemaster (Bruce P. Grether)

How Bruce P. Grether became the Batemaster

Among his earliest memories, Bruce recalls seeing an adult man’s penis swing about anchored in a nest of curly brown hairs when the man was changing clothes. That penis fascinated him and he somehow knew it was of major importance. He also remembers how good it felt to slide down a stairway banister or to climb a tree with pressure between his legs sending delicious sensations all through his body.

At an early age, he played doctor with another boy his age, and the frottage he enjoyed as they rubbed their penises together made him feel One with All Things.

He was older, maybe 9 or 10 years when he figured out how to actually masturbate while taking a shower. Immediately Bruce became a fan of self-pleasure, though, with puberty, he became extremely shy about his body being seen. Still, when his pubic hair sprouted and his penis grew bigger, it astonished him how incredible the sensations could feel with adult genitalia.

All through his 20s and 30s Bruce loved masturbating and did it often. Something kept tell him though, that there could be more to it. None of the books he read about Tantra and Taoist erotic cultivation provided simple how-to instructions. Finally, in his early 40s, he came upon Joseph Kramer’s video about male genital massage: FIRE ON THE MOUNTAIN.

Having no playmates to try this with, he tried it on himself. In the process, he discovered what he soon named “Mindful Masturbation.” For 6 weeks he masturbated for hours every day, and did not ejaculate once! This was the Penis Paradise he had been looking for since his adventures playing doctor as a young boy. He was changed forever and lost most of his shyness and insecurities.

Bruce began to listen deeply to whatever his penis told him. This way he learned more and more about male masturbation, the penis, and he studied human sexuality. Soon he was hired to write professionally for the sex education site JackinWorld (dot) com, which he did for some years under the name “Bruce McFarland.”

Since then, his erotic activism is more radical and he uses his actual given name: Bruce P. Grether, AKA the Batemaster. He has hosted workshops and now does online masturbation coaching. In 2012 his best-selling book THE SECRET OF THE GOLDEN PHALLUS was published and with his handsome young friend Blue Tyger he created the Erotic Engineering site to explore advanced male self-pleasure practices.

Bruce considers himself a Missionary of the Male Mysteries and his work continues.


View all posts by The Batemaster (Bruce P. Grether)

How Bruce P. Grether became the Batemaster

Among his earliest memories, Bruce recalls seeing an adult man’s penis swing about anchored in a nest of curly brown hairs when the man was changing clothes. That penis fascinated him and he somehow knew it was of major importance. He also remembers how good it felt to slide down a stairway banister or to climb a tree with pressure between his legs sending delicious sensations all through his body.

At an early age, he played doctor with another boy his age, and the frottage he enjoyed as they rubbed their penises together made him feel One with All Things.

He was older, maybe 9 or 10 years when he figured out how to actually masturbate while taking a shower. Immediately Bruce became a fan of self-pleasure, though, with puberty, he became extremely shy about his body being seen. Still, when his pubic hair sprouted and his penis grew bigger, it astonished him how incredible the sensations could feel with adult genitalia.

All through his 20s and 30s Bruce loved masturbating and did it often. Something kept tell him though, that there could be more to it. None of the books he read about Tantra and Taoist erotic cultivation provided simple how-to instructions. Finally, in his early 40s, he came upon Joseph Kramer’s video about male genital massage: FIRE ON THE MOUNTAIN.

Having no playmates to try this with, he tried it on himself. In the process, he discovered what he soon named “Mindful Masturbation.” For 6 weeks he masturbated for hours every day, and did not ejaculate once! This was the Penis Paradise he had been looking for since his adventures playing doctor as a young boy. He was changed forever and lost most of his shyness and insecurities.

Bruce began to listen deeply to whatever his penis told him. This way he learned more and more about male masturbation, the penis, and he studied human sexuality. Soon he was hired to write professionally for the sex education site JackinWorld (dot) com, which he did for some years under the name “Bruce McFarland.”

Since then, his erotic activism is more radical and he uses his actual given name: Bruce P. Grether, AKA the Batemaster. He has hosted workshops and now does online masturbation coaching. In 2012 his best-selling book THE SECRET OF THE GOLDEN PHALLUS was published and with his handsome young friend Blue Tyger he created the Erotic Engineering site to explore advanced male self-pleasure practices.

Bruce considers himself a Missionary of the Male Mysteries and his work continues.

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1 Comment

  1. I agree that honesty is the best policy. Years ago, I was hesitant to tell my girlfriends about my frequent err chronic masturbation habits. However, I suffered the consequences as a couple of them really were hurt – more so by the hidden hobby than by my constant need for masturbation itself. I began telling women early and earlier as I came to realize that I really didn’t want to be with someone who didn’t understand and accept this very important part of my life. In the end, I figured that since masturbation is something I spend hours a day doing (and I do), then it should be disclosed very early as I am not giving that up for anyone. My goal is to die the way a lifetime masturbator should, with my cock in my hand and a smile on my face!