Ask The Batemaster

Ask The Batemaster: I Feel Ashamed After I Cum

What you describe is a common, almost universal experience.

QUESTION: After I shoot my wad, I feel kind of lost, let down, even ashamed. How do I get over this? I know it’s stupid! But I’m pretty young and I JO a lot, like 3 to 5 X a day, so it’s like a roller-coaster ride. How do I get over this?

RESPONSE: What you describe is a common, almost universal experience. Ejaculatory orgasm is an overwhelmingly blissful experience, usually lasting no more than a few seconds. Sometimes it lasts slightly longer, if you are fortunate. You are hurled over a Niagara Falls of intense sensation that usually includes a brief spell of total oblivion… produced by a burst of wonderful brain chemicals, such as dopamine and including the hormone oxytocin.

Fantastic as this is, the down-side almost inevitably follows soon. You tend to shift from ecstasy to a state of blah uncertainty, even mild depression or restless feelings. This is produced by the swift unraveling and dissolve of those bliss chemicals and hormones in your brain and nervous system. Often, soon after ejaculation, such stress-related chemistry as adrenaline and cortisol may re-surge into your bloodstream. The aftermath of ejaculation may range from drowsiness to uneasiness, to actual depression. It can help to stay relaxed in the aftermath.

That drop in how you feel is followed (usually!) by what is called the refractory period, or an interval of time that passes until you may again become aroused and feel like pursuing further erotic pleasure. During the actual refractory period, you are unlikely to be able to get another erection, with some exceptions. During my late teens, all through my 20s, even into my 30s, I sometimes got so highly aroused during masturbation, that I would ejaculate, and without really losing my erection, continue to a second or even a third ejaculation. This is sometimes possible for younger guys. Also, with erection enhancers such as Viagra or Cialis, your refractory period may be a lot shorter, regardless of your age. Only you may still need to recover for a while.

My suggestion is that you take up serious edging, even consider exploring periods of semen retention. This does not mean that you have to reject the joys of ejaculatory orgasm and try to always avoid it. It means you choose to masturbate for longer periods, as many hours as possible, even a matter of days or possibly weeks between ejaculations. To accomplish this it helps to employ some basics I often coach guys in: 1.) breathe deeply, do belly breaths while you masturbate, continuous breathing which means don’t pause at the top or bottom of the breath; 2.) keep relaxed, and don’t tighten up muscles; 3.) employ a variety of strokes; 4.) focus on yourself, instead of porn or fantasy—consider looking in the mirror while you stroke; 5.) change positions often, move around, masturbate in different places in your room, apartment, or house. When you get close to ejaculation, slow down or pause, if necessary.

When you end a session without ejaculating, the next time you masturbate, it’s like your body remembers those high plateaus of pleasure you explored the time before. Ejaculating less often, when you do spurt out that semen, your orgasm with be a lot more intense. Relax into the aftermath of your sessions, and you may be able to extend the actual pleasure of it longer. Though your balls may become extra-sensitive, you should not get blue balls if you keep your pelvis and urogenital system relaxed. These suggestions are just the start of what you can do to make your frequent JO sessions into a fine art of major self-pleasuring.

The higher, longer, and more intense pleasure you can enjoy masturbating this way should naturally help you overcome any shame or mild depression. I find the ecstasy itself helps you get over any lingering guilt or shame, better than counseling or other therapies. The practice is its own reward!

The Bate Master - Bruce P. GretherBRUCE P. GRETHER is the “BateMaster”. Mr. Grether’s lifelong love of penises and masturbation has led him to achieve a level of mastery and understanding of masturbation that is at once unique and extremely rare. He is renowned for both his ability to achieve seemingly endless states of prolonged and intense masturbatory pleasure as well as his skill in passing this knowledge on to his students. Mr. Grether has made it his life’s mission to encourage men to take their practice of masturbation to new levels of personal enrichment and self-discovery.

Mr. Grether is a globally recognized masturbation activist, an accomplished masturbation coach, and a tireless facilitator of masturbation workshops. In 2001 he coined the now popular term “Mindful Masturbation”. He is the author of a best-selling book, The Secret of the Golden Phallus, plus the erotic fantasy novels The Moontusk Chronicles. His website can be found at www.eroticengineering.com.

A note from The Batemaster: I’m honored that the guys at Bateworld have asked me to respond to some questions from male masturbators around the world every week.

Always check with your doctor about any issues you might be experiencing with your sexual organs. Prompt diagnosis and treatment are important. This article’s purpose is to inform and entertain readers and is not a substitute for medical advice or treatment.<

10 replies
  1. selfrewarder
    selfrewarder says:

    I do believe as you say, Bruce, that the “guilt” feeling following ejaculation is normal. I used to feel this way when a younger man. I think a lot of these feelings stem from the stigma of shame that accompanies masturbation. Once your love, desire and need of masturbation is realized the shame factor slowly dissipates. Once you get over the “shame” that society has imposed on this most natural activity, acceptance washes these guilt feelings away. Finding a supportive group of men such as here on BateWorld will speed up one’s “recovery” and acceptance of fulfilling the need to masturbate. I never feel shame or guilt anymore and haven’t for many years. I am a masturbator and and have come to accept and embrace who I am.

    Reply
  2. Bruce P. Grether
    Bruce P. Grether says:

    Thank you, Brother!Your description is spot-on, and it helps both to surrender to the intensity of the pleasure, and also to use reason, awareness of the fact masturbation is healthy, natural, even beneficial, to dissolve the acquired guilt and shame. Yes, it’s definitely learned. If you’ve ever been around relaxed, hip parents who don’t in any way discourage it and they have a small boy, he will almost always be clutching his genitals! – BPG

    Reply
  3. apalmer5
    apalmer5 says:

    Yep, I remember the old guilty days and even going so far as to thinking to myself, “Gosh I’m never doing THAT again.” And sometimes I really would stop for awhile. But of course, we always come back.
    Eventually there was a time when I thought – who cares. Maybe I was in my 30’s or so. And it’s so natural, the urge to pleasure ourselves. And it’s something I enjoy doing so I’m going to do it. Yes, at an early age we learn or we’re taught that sex is supposed to be this way and doing it that way isn’t good or right or whatever.

    These days with the internet it’s much easier to find out information about masturbating so everyone can educate themselves and make their own decisions. And hopefully not have to deal with the guilty feelings. And groups like BW are here to help share the word about masturbation and that its really OK to do.

    Reply
    • Bruce P. Grether
      Bruce P. Grether says:

      Great comment, Brother! However, despite a lot of encouraging and more accurate information on masturbation to be found online, now and then I’m shocked to find there is still MISinformation on the subject online. For example, even many doctors (and we know most doctors are NOT well educated about sexuality, even if they know biology well!) still buy into the urban legend that frequent ejaculation eliminates or seriously reduces prostate problems. That’s been shown to NOT be statistically verified + is you keep your pelvis relaxed, enjoy long sessions and stimulate your prostate quite often along with your penis, that may be as/or more effective in maintaining prostate health. During multiple dry orgasms and continuous orgasmic states, my experience leads me to believe that my prostate is pulsating at such times, sometimes slowly, with exquisite, indescribably delicious sensations radiating at such time all through my being. -BPG

      Reply
  4. fullmoonma
    fullmoonma says:

    I’d remind other readers of a couple of guilt free alternatives to ejaculation:

    Big draw or breath orgasm – a few minutes of charging breath during masturbation, 3 big breaths, holding the last and clenching all muscles for 20 sec or so. This is taught at Body Electric workshops and leaves you charged up but not quite as horny. Can be done a few times in a row!

    Multi-orgasmic edging – specifics of technique taught in Bruce’s “9 Golden keys to mindful masturbation”. Little orgasms spaced about a minute apart for me. The cumulative effect of 20 or 30 or 50 is profound! You stay charged, but are very relaxed and satisfied. I tend to have about 1000 orgasms in many sessions over several weeks between ejaculations.

    Reply
    • Bruce P. Grether
      Bruce P. Grether says:

      Brother–you are a true Master of Masturbation and an Erotic Wizard. Those titles have been give to me by some, and perhaps I’ve earned them, but ever since I first met you almost 20 years ago in upstate NY State, where we often masturbated together, you have been a major inspiration to me. Thank you for your wise and insightful comments, and for being the dedicated, inspiring masturbator you are! – BPG

      Reply
  5. doggyboner
    doggyboner says:

    Great explanation of the biochemical reaction in the brain post-orgasm, and some excellent masturbation practice advice. I too had guilt sometimes after cumming when I was a teen. For most of my life though I’ve come to see it as a healthy thing for men of all ages. I make a point to allow time after I orgasm just to soak in the relaxing feelings that come now with busting a nut.

    I think selfrerwarded is on to something, and even reading the article I wondered how much of the problem is due to a cognitive overlay of shame that we ascribe to the natural chemistry you pointed out. As we leave guilt behind and come to accept masturbating as the healthy and positive pleasure that it is, I wonder if that might help the young guy who asked to question get over some of his guilt.

    Reply
    • Bruce P. Grether
      Bruce P. Grether says:

      That’s an excellent comment, also, Bro! I think that, like the Nature VS Nurture debate, it’s impossible (at least so far) to truly separate out what shame may be due to lingering traces of conditioned guilt, and the biochemical shift. The biochemical shift it real, but without the conditioning, it might just be a certain amount of calming down, relaxing in the aftermath. Personally it’s been many years, no, many decades since I felt any trace of guilt or shame after ejaculation, but perhaps because I do it so seldom, for me there’a a bit of a letdown. At my age, there’s often a full 24 hours before I’m likely to get aroused and want to resume erotic activity. – BPG

      Reply
      • apalmer5
        apalmer5 says:

        Are these the same chemicals that bring about our afterglow? That amazing, calm, tingly period after our orgasm. After masturbation guilt surely must mostly be a conditioned response. As perhaps nature prefers that we breed eagerly and without any pangs of guilt.

        An interesting bit of reproductive science to study.

        Reply
        • Bruce P. Grether
          Bruce P. Grether says:

          Yes, it’s somewhat complex and subtle. Some speculation is that after reproductive sex, evolution selected for a shift from bliss to alertness, in case of danger. Now, when in the aftermath of most ejaculatory orgasms, we don’t face a sabre-toothed tiger, or marauding rival clan, it’s very different. Still, the human mind can easily carry and exert stress, tension, and fear in the aftermath of orgasmic pleasure. The associated stress chemicals, such as adrenaline and cortisol easily break down the afterglow of dopamine and oxytocin that may linger and make you feel so good. So it’s worth “protecting” that afterglow by keeping relaxed and stress-free, if possible. – BPG

          Reply

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