Ask The Batemaster: Caught Masturbating With A Peach…By My Dad

The Batemaster LogoQUESTION: In the kitchen, I did that thing with a ripe peach that I saw a young dude do in a movie. It really worked, only my father tapped me on the shoulder from behind just as I was coming inside that juicy piece of fruit. He only grinned and said, “Be sure to clean up the mess, Junior.” See, I moved back home after school, because my job is fast food at night and both my folks work. Usually I’m home alone afternoons, but dad came home on a break from his job. I’m so embarrassed, I might have to move out! Help!

RESPONSE: Things could be a lot worse, for example if your father was more of a prude, and it seriously shocked him. In the worst case, parents can be so conflicted about sexuality and especially masturbation, that it might be their idea that you should move out, or at least be severely punished. It’s not my business to advise you about where you live, or how you support yourself. Still, if you get along with your parents otherwise, you might just want to apologize privately to your father, say you were really embarrassed, and you never expected to get caught.

Take some deep breaths and try to think clearly: What you were doing was not wrong, and the truth is, it’s not all that unusual. Actual human behavior is usually quite different from what we commonly talk about. In fact, quite a few guys try all sort of options for masturbatory pleasure that involve food. Examples are cutting a round hole in a ripe melon, or using egg-white for lube, mashing a really ripe banana for lube, or even using whipped cream.

Don’t misunderstand, I’m not suggesting you try these, at the same time, if you do try them, the family kitchen isn’t the best place, as it’s usually a common area. Keep such experiments in your room, or even in the bathroom where a mess is easier to clean up. I leave it to you to explain taking food into the bathroom, if that becomes necessary!

In a family household, or even sharing a place with roommates, it’s important not to violate the privacy of others, or deliberately expose someone to the kind of behavior many people consider very private and personal.

At the same time, don’t let anyone’s opinion hamper your style if you like to try some crazy things in regard to your masturbation practice. Just be sure you keep safe, don’t hurt yourself. Don’t use anything that would sting the meatus, that tiny opening at the tip of your penis. Most of all, do your best not to get caught, especially by family members.

As I’ve talked about elsewhere, public lewdness or letting strangers see you masturbate can lead to serious legal trouble, as irrational as that seems to those of us who love masturbation, and know it’s not only harmless, but healthy. In more private circumstances and considering the right person—someone you know also loves masturbating—it might not be so bad to get caught!

The Bate Master - Bruce P. GretherBRUCE P. GRETHER is the “BateMaster”. Mr. Grether’s lifelong love of penises and masturbation has led him to achieve a level of mastery and understanding of masturbation that is at once unique and extremely rare. He is renowned for both his ability to achieve seemingly endless states of prolonged and intense masturbatory pleasure as well as his skill in passing this knowledge on to his students. Mr. Grether has made it his life’s mission to encourage men to take their practice of masturbation to new levels of personal enrichment and self-discovery.

Mr. Grether is a globally recognized masturbation activist, an accomplished masturbation coach, and a tireless facilitator of masturbation workshops. In 2001 he coined the now popular term “Mindful Masturbation”. He is the author of a best-selling book, The Secret of the Golden Phallus, plus the erotic fantasy novels The Moontusk Chronicles. His website can be found at www.eroticengineering.com.

A note from The Batemaster: I’m honored that the guys at Bateworld have asked me to respond to some questions from male masturbators around the world every week.

Always check with your doctor about any issues you might be experiencing with your sexual organs. Prompt diagnosis and treatment are important. This article’s purpose is to inform and entertain readers and is not a substitute for medical advice or treatment.

4 replies
  1. apalmer5
    apalmer5 says:

    As the old saying goes, there’s a time and a place for everything, especially with peaches. True, time for some deep breaths and reconsider your options for better places to masturbate. I’m guessing the bathroom or your bedroom would be better choices. Perhaps if you have a couple of bathrooms, but parents will eventually wonder what you’re up to if you’ve in there for hours. So keep an eye on the clock. And don’t leave a mess behind either, parents will surely frown on you leaving your ‘humped’ fruit around. Be respectful. It’s their home. Hopefully things return to ‘normal’ with dad and so on.

    I don’t think my parents ever caught me in the act but they knew… Mom was expert at finding any books or magazines, no matter how cleverly I thought I’d hidden them. Under the mattress, between the mattress and even under the bottom drawer. And then guess it was her parental duty to make me feel as guilty about “it” as possible. As I got older, don’t think my room got inspected much.

    Reply
    • Bruce P. Grether
      Bruce P. Grether says:

      Most parents know perfectly well that their kids masturbate, especially their sons, and the main thing that varies is their attitude towards it. Of course, there are a few peculiar people in the world who still think guys should not masturbate, but more than ever more and more people accept this healthy, natural reality, IMO. I consider it terribly wrong to interfere in kids’ masturbation, and the wisest, most enlightened parents will tell their kids to enjoy it as much as they want, and provide them privacy. “Knock more than once, when in doubt,” is what smart parents do, if they think their son may be masturbating behind the door. And very likely he IS!

      Reply
  2. squirtbuddy
    squirtbuddy says:

    Why is the embarrassment so intense that you’re thinking of moving? Is there something missing from the account? It doesn’t sound like you offended your dad or made him uncomfortable if he came up to you and grinned and commented on what you were doing while you were in the act. Nor does it sound like he was making fun of you. It sounds more like he was showing empathy and perhaps letting you know you weren’t home alone. Only you know your dad, but I would expect most people, if upset by the encounter, would either tell you to stop immediately, confront you about it later, ask someone else to confront you about it, or leave and never mention it. If it were me, and I felt like the episode wasn’t resolved, then I would simply tell my dad I wasn’t sure how to take his reaction. Was he uncomfortable? Amused? Should I be embarrassed (for making him uncomfortable, not for masturbating with fruit)? Does he want to know my verdict on the fuckability of peaches? 🙂

    Finally, if the issue is that you’re embarrassed that your dad saw you fucking a peach, then I’d point out that moving away is unlikely to help. Your worry over what you (I think) _imagine_ your dad thinks of you will remain. It may be hard to talk about the peach directly, but starting the above conversation without mentioning the peach may be doable, and it will allow you to replace your imagined strawman of what your dad thinks with actual knowledge of what he really thinks. Then you can make an informed decision that also treats your dad fairly, rather than holding him accountable for what you imagine. Whatever the truth turns out to be, I think a simple, direct conversation will clear the air if that’s what’s needed.

    Reply
    • Bruce P. Grether
      Bruce P. Grether says:

      Your reaction to the young man’s account contains many good points. I think this illustrates that shame or embarrassment over masturbation can come from many sources, not only your parents, or a particular parent. Obviously this questioner ought to have just been greatly relieved that his father seemed to take it so well. Emotional reactions to startling situations are not always very rational. As with internalized homophobia, most likely this fellow had already internalized enough shame or inhibition about being caught masturbating that the rather decent, mild reaction of his father overrode something he should have felt grateful for. – BPG

      Reply

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