Ask The Batemaster: Bating With A Married Guy

Most men, whether married, partnered, or single, also love to masturbate, even when they are regularly having other forms of sex.

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QUESTION: At this big company where I work, there’s this handsome guy with a little dark beard, who I don’t really know. For the third time, I’m in the restroom and at the urinal he “shows hard,” so we go in a stall and jack each other to incredible orgasms. Now I’ve snooped a little and found out he’s married, with one little kid and another on the way. Is it wrong to do it again, now that I know about his family?

RESPONSE: Your basic situation is not really so uncommon as you might imagine, but there’s no simple right or wrong about doing it again. Most men, whether married, partnered, or single, also love to masturbate, even when they are regularly having other forms of sex with someone, whether their lover is female or male. In this case, it’s possible that the fellow and his wife are deliberately not having sex for now, while she’s pregnant again.

In quite a few cultures, same-sex sharing with another man is not considered unfaithfulness to a wife the same way it would be to have sex with another woman.

If he’s even just temporarily not having sex with his wife, this guy cannot be blamed for still wanting erotic pleasure of some kind. You really are not responsible for whether or not he is being faithful to his wife: he is responsible. Yet the fact that you know she exists, means that you have to deal with this in terms of your own conscience. It isn’t your job to be his conscience, either. Should you decide you don’t want to masturbate with him again, it may be better to make some other excuse, not tell him you know about his family. That would be judging him in a way you are not really qualified to judge.

If you both enjoy this, as it sounds like you do, and you can keep it private, it is actually no one else’s business. Only be prepared for awkwardness or even more unpleasant consequences if you tell anyone, or they find out some other way. It could be messy.

I’ve always told men who have involvements such as family or partners, that in terms of masturbatory pleasure, everyone has a right to their own private space in which to enjoy doing whatever you wish, so long as it doesn’t harm anyone else. However, because this does involve another actual person, with his own life and connections with other people, in a sense the responsibility is shared, even if you still don’t really know him. There’s always a possibility that someone else will find out.

Be prepared for the fact he may not want to do it again; he may suddenly choose to stop doing it out of his own feelings of guilt or shame. After all, if he’s married, he has vowed faithfulness to his wife. On the other side of the coin, on the honest human level you may be helping him continue to be a happy man, instead of becoming sexually frustrated. Or he could even be exploring a part of himself that he has not experienced before, possibly in a way he needs to check out.

Regardless, try to look at it from his perspective, also. He may never want to talk about it, still if he does, listen carefully, and respect his situation. Consider him and his family, first. You’ve had your fun, right?

The Bate Master - Bruce P. GretherBRUCE P. GRETHER is the “BateMaster”. Mr. Grether’s lifelong love of penises and masturbation has led him to achieve a level of mastery and understanding of masturbation that is at once unique and extremely rare. He is renowned for both his ability to achieve seemingly endless states of prolonged and intense masturbatory pleasure as well as his skill in passing this knowledge on to his students. Mr. Grether has made it his life’s mission to encourage men to take their practice of masturbation to new levels of personal enrichment and self-discovery.

Mr. Grether is a globally recognized masturbation activist, an accomplished masturbation coach, and a tireless facilitator of masturbation workshops. In 2001 he coined the now popular term “Mindful Masturbation”. He is the author of a best-selling book, The Secret of the Golden Phallus, plus the erotic fantasy novels The Moontusk Chronicles. His website can be found at www.eroticengineering.com.

A note from The Batemaster: I’m honored that the guys at Bateworld have asked me to respond to some questions from male masturbators around the world every week.

Always check with your doctor about any issues you might be experiencing with your sexual organs. Prompt diagnosis and treatment are important. This article’s purpose is to inform and entertain readers and is not a substitute for medical advice or treatment.

8 replies
  1. Anonymous
    Anonymous says:

    Great question & some good, thoughtful suggestions Bruce. I suppose the onus is really on the married fella. And not mention his wifey may very well know he’s an avid bator and gets off with guys. Some of the married I cyber off with say their wifeys knows… And their answer is usually: a) they know hubby bates or b) knows hubby gets off with guys cybering or for reals. I always ask. Of course I think its so amazing that their wifey knows and sometimes (on rare occasions) they even bate together. In some cases for whatever reason – sex is over between them and so they each find their own way – for sexual pleasure.

    And be prepared for when the guy simply steps away from the bathroom sessions and isn’t interested anymore. Don’t go nutty wondering why or chasing after him – could end up with workplace issues. I remember dating a gal at work & when things weren’t working out so swell & I avoided her she ended up hunting me down.

    (guess we can’t list our nicknames any longer, didn’t see the box for it)

    Reply
    • Bruce P. Grether
      Bruce P. Grether says:

      Thank you for your comments, as always, Brother! You added some nuances of insight and wisdom beyond what I wrote in the column. Much appreciated! – BPG

      Reply
  2. Anonymous
    Anonymous says:

    Reminds me some years back I had a wonderful married gal who loved to cyber off with me, back then we were using yahoo chat. Married but her husband for whatever reason wasn’t really sexually into her after a number of years of marriage & a kid or 2. But she so needed/wanted sexual pleasure… Forget which site I met her on, was so arousing to share our chatter and our moans & groans and orgasms of course.

    They separated and she went crazy for sex. And we went from mic’ing on yohaoo to she phoned me. And whenever she called – she was ready to masturbate, maybe during a lunch break at her work or on her way home from work. Eventually things cooled down with us and she got back together with her hubby and our sessions came to an end. Which was a good thing since she had a family to care for.

    Reply
    • Bruce P. Grether
      Bruce P. Grether says:

      That’s great that you thought of this woman ahead of yourself! You had your fun, but she had her life and marriage. You showed some emotional maturity in this sitation! — Bruce P. Grether

      Reply
  3. Anonymous
    Anonymous says:

    I am bisexual and married to a woman. We have an open relationship so she knows I bate with guys, online and in real life. We weren’t always open so I don’t judge married guys who need to bate on the DL. But it is a topic that needs good discussion so I am glad you brought it up. I have several married friends, and guys from BateWorld, who are bi who I have bated with and other bi guys who are divorced, and some gay partnered guys. Some worked out great. Some felt guilty afterwards. As you mentioned, some even define “cheating” in a way that excludes “just masturbating.” It gets complicated and is pretty subjective. I also coach a lot of guys in this situation. I encourage them to be open to their wives/husbands/partners when they can, but there are of course risks involved. So bottom line at this stage anyways is while I’d prefer for everyone to be open with their spouse like we are and point out the advantages (no hiding), I know some guys really can’t, so I don’t judge and am discreet with bate dates.

    Reply
    • Bruce P. Grether
      Bruce P. Grether says:

      Thanks for your insightful and excellent response! Human lives are complicated, and sometimes seem contradictory, and it really isn’t our job to fix or control anyone else, though we sometimes think so. Also, especially in the realm of sex and erotic pleasure, it’s probably more common than not that what people actually do seldom corresponds with what they easily speak with others about. As you suggest, it’s great when masturbators can be open and honest with their partners or wives, but quite often this is not the case for various reasons. Quite often a partner or wife feels there is something wrong with them is the primary relationship is not enough–while in truth, there’s no good reason it should be. “Discretion is the greater part of valor,” old Falstaff says in HENRY IV. – Bruce P. Grether

      Reply
      • Anonymous
        Anonymous says:

        It’s great to know (and share) that there are women out there who enjoy our “sport” as much as we do. So true, it’s great when we can share and chat so honestly & openly here about sex and our wants & needs – like masturbation is really meant to be.
        apalmer5

        Reply
  4. Anonymous
    Anonymous says:

    My advice from experience with married men…stay away unless you can totally disconnect your heart and moral compass.
    Particularly if his wife does not know about his boinking with other men.
    Think of how you would feel if you found out that your husband/wife/partner was doing with others and not telling you.
    As for married guys who do have an agreement with their wives…enjoy, but remember….things are not always as presented.
    “hell hath no fury”.

    Reply

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