Ask The Batemaster: Mutual Masturbation With My Straight Roommate
 | The Batemaster (Bruce P. Grether) |
| Posted on: | December 11, 2020 |
| Categorized: | Ask The Batemaster |
“Golden Eggs? A Big Deal?”
QUESTION:
My housemate often comes into my room in the middle of the night and we masturbate each other in the dark without saying anything. In the daytime, he won’t talk about it and he insists he’s straight. I’m confused. It feels so great! But why won’t he admit it? Why is this a big deal?
RESPONSE:
Though we hear more and more often that some “straight-identified” guys like to masturbate with other guys, but don’t really consider it “gay activity,” your horny housemate may be concerned about his image with others, with you, or even with himself.
If this is some kind of homophobic defense, keep in mind that like any prejudice based on simple human differences, such as appearance, ethnicity, culture, religion, or economic class, homophobia is a learned, conditioned form of prejudice. It is often internalized and not very conscious. Though attitudes toward both gay-identified individuals and same-sex activity continue to improve in many places around the world, as you’ve seen in your own household, some of the old irrational fears remain.
At the same time, if you really enjoy the erotic pleasure of this furtive masturbatory sharing so much as it sounds like, perhaps you might as well enjoy it for what it is while it continues. Quite possibly, if you try to insist that your housemate owns up to what is happening, even if it is only to you in the daytime, he may react by shutting down the sharing.
Clearly, he is not comfortable being more open about this, or he would do so and own up. So long as you don’t push for it, perhaps you have more to lose by trying to insist, and plenty to gain by letting the sleeping dragon lie and enjoying the fact that it is alive and breathing, even if it’s asleep. That metaphor might not be terribly helpful, but I think you get the idea.
Your situation illustrates that, though more relaxed and open-minded attitudes about male masturbation have grown commoner, there is still a lot of ground to cover before men, and all humans release lingering shame around both masturbation, and what may be viewed as same-sex activity.
My own perception of this is that homosexuality is a kind of behavior, more than a kind of person. Very few men, as far as I can tell, are truly 100% same-sex oriented, or opposite-sex oriented. Most men are somewhere along a far more complex, possibly uncertain and contradictory spectrum of sexuality, in practice. What people will say to others and what they actually do, is often very different.
While it lasts, your somewhat imperfect situation is sort of like the famous “Goose that laid the Golden Egg.” Why not enjoy those Golden Eggs for now, even if you have to enjoy them secretly, in the dark?
A note from The Batemaster: I’m honored that the guys at Bateworld have asked me to respond to some questions from male masturbators around the world every week.
Always check with your doctor about any issues you might be experiencing with your sexual organs. Prompt diagnosis and treatment are important. This article’s purpose is to inform and entertain readers and is not a substitute for medical advice or treatment.
“Golden Eggs? A Big Deal?”
QUESTION:
My housemate often comes into my room in the middle of the night and we masturbate each other in the dark without saying anything. In the daytime, he won’t talk about it and he insists he’s straight. I’m confused. It feels so great! But why won’t he admit it? Why is this a big deal?
RESPONSE:
Though we hear more and more often that some “straight-identified” guys like to masturbate with other guys, but don’t really consider it “gay activity,” your horny housemate may be concerned about his image with others, with you, or even with himself.
If this is some kind of homophobic defense, keep in mind that like any prejudice based on simple human differences, such as appearance, ethnicity, culture, religion, or economic class, homophobia is a learned, conditioned form of prejudice. It is often internalized and not very conscious. Though attitudes toward both gay-identified individuals and same-sex activity continue to improve in many places around the world, as you’ve seen in your own household, some of the old irrational fears remain.
At the same time, if you really enjoy the erotic pleasure of this furtive masturbatory sharing so much as it sounds like, perhaps you might as well enjoy it for what it is while it continues. Quite possibly, if you try to insist that your housemate owns up to what is happening, even if it is only to you in the daytime, he may react by shutting down the sharing.
Clearly, he is not comfortable being more open about this, or he would do so and own up. So long as you don’t push for it, perhaps you have more to lose by trying to insist, and plenty to gain by letting the sleeping dragon lie and enjoying the fact that it is alive and breathing, even if it’s asleep. That metaphor might not be terribly helpful, but I think you get the idea.
Your situation illustrates that, though more relaxed and open-minded attitudes about male masturbation have grown commoner, there is still a lot of ground to cover before men, and all humans release lingering shame around both masturbation, and what may be viewed as same-sex activity.
My own perception of this is that homosexuality is a kind of behavior, more than a kind of person. Very few men, as far as I can tell, are truly 100% same-sex oriented, or opposite-sex oriented. Most men are somewhere along a far more complex, possibly uncertain and contradictory spectrum of sexuality, in practice. What people will say to others and what they actually do, is often very different.
While it lasts, your somewhat imperfect situation is sort of like the famous “Goose that laid the Golden Egg.” Why not enjoy those Golden Eggs for now, even if you have to enjoy them secretly, in the dark?
A note from The Batemaster: I’m honored that the guys at Bateworld have asked me to respond to some questions from male masturbators around the world every week.
Always check with your doctor about any issues you might be experiencing with your sexual organs. Prompt diagnosis and treatment are important. This article’s purpose is to inform and entertain readers and is not a substitute for medical advice or treatment.
2 Responses to “Ask The Batemaster: Mutual Masturbation With My Straight Roommate”
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I think there is an important question that isn’t being asked here: is this straight housemate gaslighting you and creating a harmful relationship?
Gaslighting is a process of manipulation in which someone undermines another person’s reality by denial of facts and negation of feelings. This is often an emotionally difficult and psychologically harmful experience for the person being manipulated. The longer this lasts, the more harm is done as the process can badly damage the undermined person’s sense of reality and self esteem.
This dysfunctional dynamic grown between the two housemates is a clear example of toxic masculinity destroying what could be a good bond. One is recognizing the same sex nature of their experience and the other is using his claim to straightness as a means of shutting down the conversation. This is a typical power move in which heterosexual privilege is used to erase queer experiences. No one is benefiting from this toxic hierarchy; it’s just perpetuating a culture of homophobia.
Poor metaphors aside, I completely disagree with Batemaster’s advice. The most important thing is that you are getting joy and not stress from your bating experience. If your housemate’s gaslighting is creating a negative experience, then you should try to mend the situation. Tell your housemate in clear terms what your experience has been and if he wants to continue being your bate buddy then he will need to face reality. You need to come to a mutual understanding before welcoming him back into your room. If he refuses, then so be it. A quick handjob isn’t worth living in a toxic relationship.
The goal isn’t about defining everyone’s sexual orientation. It’s about creating a bond of mutual respect and agreeable boundaries. Good luck, bator!
With all due respect, Brother James, I’m not sure I know enough about these particular people and this situation to be convinced it is such dysfunctional “exploitation” by the guy who claims to be straight. Like many of my questions these days (because the “Ask the Bate Master” form here really does not work, but goes away as soon as you start filling it out) I got the question from chatting with a fellow. He did not seem to feel abused. I’m not sure that the man should be pushed to even partially “come out” as somewhat queer, as I do know that human sexualities are complex and often contradictory. Anyway, I do respect and appreciate your comments here. — BPG