DrBate |
Posted on: | December 17, 2015 |
Categorized: | Ask Dr. Bate |
I grew up in a Southern Baptist household where sex was never mentioned. My parents never prepared me for what I would experience during puberty and adulthood. Their silence on the subject of sex and the human body, along with the daily humiliations of Junior High, required me to carry the weight of a lot of things I was too young to handle, and the traumas that were buried in me then are still alive today.
I believe that I was abandoned and traumatized because of a severe sexual phobia on the part of the adults and kids during my early teenage years. My parents were too scared to instill any kind of knowledge about the human body or human sexuality, and my homophobic gym teacher
encouraged the class to share his bigoted views, meanwhile treating us as his personal marine recruits in a constant test of our masculinity.
I was a skinny kid with no muscle and asthma, but none of the adults questioned why I might be
having trouble breathing while running laps, always at the end, always the one to get mocked by the class for being a slow fucking pussy. Shower time was an exercise in absolute degradation, forced to strip naked with a gang of boys who already hated me and used any excuse to humiliate me.
Meanwhile, my parents never said anything whatsoever to me about sex, never gave me any kind of knowledge or tools to understand what I might need to know. Our class watched a film in sixth grade that made no sense to me whatsoever, and my parents told me that they had agreed to let me see it. That was the extent of my sex education.
While other kids seemed to know a lot about sex, I didn’t even know what naked women looked like. Even at the age of 14 I had no idea how babies were birthed—I thought it was through the navel. And I thought there was something wrong with me because I had erections.
I eventually learned what I needed to know about sex from the family encyclopedia. That and the Playgirl magazines I started to lift in our trips to the mall. Oh, and nights spent looking through the bathroom window as my dad or brother took a bath. Learning what I needed to know took me into behaviors that I’m not proud of, and that’s part of my trauma. I’m not that 14-year-old kid anymore, but I still feel hurt by having to go through that.
I don’t spend my life blaming other people for my issues, but in a way that’s kept me from dealing with the harm that was caused by a complete black-out on information from my parents about the human body while experiencing gross humiliation at school on a daily basis. My sense of abandonment by the adults in my early life still haunts me.
My gym experience has made working out a life-long challenge where I still have to face my fears to get through a session. It’s easy to have anxiety attacks and I always feel like I’ll be punished for my mistakes.
I’ve managed to come to terms with the sexual issues by living as a happily single nudist and proud masturbator. I have a good set of friends who I have openly sexual relationships with, and I’m grateful for what I’ve got. But the anxieties return often, and I want to be rid of them.
How do you suggest that I get past these issues for good?
Hello brother, thank you so much for your story and your question. While reading it, my heart went out to you for the struggle that coming into your sexuality and body free of fear has been. There are several things that came to mind as I was reading, and I hope you permit me some time to unpack my thoughts and feelings concerning your journey.
First I want to say, emphatically and compassionately, YOU ARE NOT ALONE! There are so many of us who, having grown up in religious environments, were denied, lied to, judged, and punished for our inquiries, explorations, and/or acceptance of our sexuality! Unfortunately, your story is not solitary. I too have had to walk through my own share of religion’s sexual denial and fear.
•Education – This part is two-fold. Firstly, I’m very glad that at some point you gathered the sexual education you needed. And I’m saddened that you, like many others, had to acquire that knowledge through some not so safe acts, putting your health and heart at risk. But I embrace you as a brother, having made it through.
Secondly, understand that anxiety’s root is fear. Anxiety is a fear of “an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome.” Even though you are no longer that child in the locker-room, those events have created a sort of feedback loop that, whenever you step back into a locker-room, triggers those memories again. The childhood threat is gone, but your mind and heart don’t quite know that yet. So, every locker-room experience potentially becomes a re-traumatizing event, until you can finally put this fear to rest. Which brings me to my second thought.
•Therapy – I’m a firm believer that everyone needs a good therapist if for nothing else than to have someone to process things with. Finding a good therapist might afford you an opportunity to look more closely at your fear. Often we can’t move past an issue and heal if we are reluctant to look at it more thoroughly. I highly recommend that you find a therapist to process some of this with. It sounds like you have done a lot of work on your own so I don’t see how this wouldn’t work in your favor.
•Forgiveness and Compassion – I had an ex once who stated, “Sometimes the only person who can heal the pain/wound is the one who caused it.” I have found this, when both parties are willing, one of the most affective ways of finding healing. If your parents are still living, have you thought about talking to them about the difficulties and challenges of your upbringing? If this is possible and you feel they would be open to such a discussion, I highly recommend it. If not, I encourage you to find a way to forgive them for their lack of sex education and support. Often times our parents don’t know how to broach these topics. That’s where compassion comes in. Find ways to forgive them and perhaps release them of their own inability to teach you. Creating ritual might be a great way for you to achieve this release and forgiveness. Create a ritual that is significant and potent for you!
•Community – Healing often happens within community so I’m very glad that you have created nurturing relationships with others. That’s important. Let me suggest another step forward – find someone who you can confide in about your past and invite them (preferably male) to join you in the gym. Let him be your companion in your healing journey – when you’re lifting weights as well as when you are in the locker room. In my work, I journey with people on their path toward sexual healing. Knowing that someone else is there to comfort and support them allows my clients a safe space to process difficult emotions until, at last, they are strong and courageous enough to face their fears, replace it with love and confidence in themselves, and create safe spaces and relationships where they can explore further.
I encourage you to do the same. Find a male companion that you can trust and confide in that can help you face the fears head on – together. You dealt with much of your childhood fears alone; you don’t need to anymore!
I hope this helps brother! Keep moving forward, get the help you need, and know that you are only alone if you choose to be!
(((Many Hugs))),
Garland
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Garland Jarmon heralds from 7 years as an HIV/AIDS educator and sexual health counselor for individuals and couples. Having a Masters in Social Work and now as a Certified Sexological Bodyworker, he seeks to help all those in the LGBTQIA, straight, and Bator community live a more wholesome and embodied life, full of mindfulness and conscious exploration.
Toby de Luca comes from a background in Education and Massage Therapy. With a Masters in Teaching and also as a Certified Sexological Bodyworker, he to assist folks in facilitating stronger, healthier relationships with their own bodies and their relationships with others.
Together they co-own their own Sex and Erotic Coaching business — Spiritual Eros (www.SpiritualEros.com). They desire to bring to the BateWorld Community an opportunity to have open and honest discussion about issues that many of us face. They believe that everything is an experiment and that the only failed experiment is one you don’t collect the data from. They also understand that because their answers may not fit every lived experience, they welcome community members to offer their own experiences, challenges, and triumphs. They are proponents that healthy community creates healthier lives…and healthy lives, healthier communities!
Garland and Toby are Sexologists and as such are NOT medical doctors or therapists. The opinions, suggestions, and advice given are not meant to be in lieu of your primary care physician’s medical advice. If you are concerned about a medical condition or have a medical emergency, PLEASE contact your doctor, urgent care, or emergency room!
Brothers, we encourage you to exercise your best and highest wisdom and intuition!
If you’d like to submit questions, please email them to [email protected].
I grew up in a Southern Baptist household where sex was never mentioned. My parents never prepared me for what I would experience during puberty and adulthood. Their silence on the subject of sex and the human body, along with the daily humiliations of Junior High, required me to carry the weight of a lot of things I was too young to handle, and the traumas that were buried in me then are still alive today.
I believe that I was abandoned and traumatized because of a severe sexual phobia on the part of the adults and kids during my early teenage years. My parents were too scared to instill any kind of knowledge about the human body or human sexuality, and my homophobic gym teacher
encouraged the class to share his bigoted views, meanwhile treating us as his personal marine recruits in a constant test of our masculinity.
I was a skinny kid with no muscle and asthma, but none of the adults questioned why I might be
having trouble breathing while running laps, always at the end, always the one to get mocked by the class for being a slow fucking pussy. Shower time was an exercise in absolute degradation, forced to strip naked with a gang of boys who already hated me and used any excuse to humiliate me.
Meanwhile, my parents never said anything whatsoever to me about sex, never gave me any kind of knowledge or tools to understand what I might need to know. Our class watched a film in sixth grade that made no sense to me whatsoever, and my parents told me that they had agreed to let me see it. That was the extent of my sex education.
While other kids seemed to know a lot about sex, I didn’t even know what naked women looked like. Even at the age of 14 I had no idea how babies were birthed—I thought it was through the navel. And I thought there was something wrong with me because I had erections.
I eventually learned what I needed to know about sex from the family encyclopedia. That and the Playgirl magazines I started to lift in our trips to the mall. Oh, and nights spent looking through the bathroom window as my dad or brother took a bath. Learning what I needed to know took me into behaviors that I’m not proud of, and that’s part of my trauma. I’m not that 14-year-old kid anymore, but I still feel hurt by having to go through that.
I don’t spend my life blaming other people for my issues, but in a way that’s kept me from dealing with the harm that was caused by a complete black-out on information from my parents about the human body while experiencing gross humiliation at school on a daily basis. My sense of abandonment by the adults in my early life still haunts me.
My gym experience has made working out a life-long challenge where I still have to face my fears to get through a session. It’s easy to have anxiety attacks and I always feel like I’ll be punished for my mistakes.
I’ve managed to come to terms with the sexual issues by living as a happily single nudist and proud masturbator. I have a good set of friends who I have openly sexual relationships with, and I’m grateful for what I’ve got. But the anxieties return often, and I want to be rid of them.
How do you suggest that I get past these issues for good?
Hello brother, thank you so much for your story and your question. While reading it, my heart went out to you for the struggle that coming into your sexuality and body free of fear has been. There are several things that came to mind as I was reading, and I hope you permit me some time to unpack my thoughts and feelings concerning your journey.
First I want to say, emphatically and compassionately, YOU ARE NOT ALONE! There are so many of us who, having grown up in religious environments, were denied, lied to, judged, and punished for our inquiries, explorations, and/or acceptance of our sexuality! Unfortunately, your story is not solitary. I too have had to walk through my own share of religion’s sexual denial and fear.
•Education – This part is two-fold. Firstly, I’m very glad that at some point you gathered the sexual education you needed. And I’m saddened that you, like many others, had to acquire that knowledge through some not so safe acts, putting your health and heart at risk. But I embrace you as a brother, having made it through.
Secondly, understand that anxiety’s root is fear. Anxiety is a fear of “an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome.” Even though you are no longer that child in the locker-room, those events have created a sort of feedback loop that, whenever you step back into a locker-room, triggers those memories again. The childhood threat is gone, but your mind and heart don’t quite know that yet. So, every locker-room experience potentially becomes a re-traumatizing event, until you can finally put this fear to rest. Which brings me to my second thought.
•Therapy – I’m a firm believer that everyone needs a good therapist if for nothing else than to have someone to process things with. Finding a good therapist might afford you an opportunity to look more closely at your fear. Often we can’t move past an issue and heal if we are reluctant to look at it more thoroughly. I highly recommend that you find a therapist to process some of this with. It sounds like you have done a lot of work on your own so I don’t see how this wouldn’t work in your favor.
•Forgiveness and Compassion – I had an ex once who stated, “Sometimes the only person who can heal the pain/wound is the one who caused it.” I have found this, when both parties are willing, one of the most affective ways of finding healing. If your parents are still living, have you thought about talking to them about the difficulties and challenges of your upbringing? If this is possible and you feel they would be open to such a discussion, I highly recommend it. If not, I encourage you to find a way to forgive them for their lack of sex education and support. Often times our parents don’t know how to broach these topics. That’s where compassion comes in. Find ways to forgive them and perhaps release them of their own inability to teach you. Creating ritual might be a great way for you to achieve this release and forgiveness. Create a ritual that is significant and potent for you!
•Community – Healing often happens within community so I’m very glad that you have created nurturing relationships with others. That’s important. Let me suggest another step forward – find someone who you can confide in about your past and invite them (preferably male) to join you in the gym. Let him be your companion in your healing journey – when you’re lifting weights as well as when you are in the locker room. In my work, I journey with people on their path toward sexual healing. Knowing that someone else is there to comfort and support them allows my clients a safe space to process difficult emotions until, at last, they are strong and courageous enough to face their fears, replace it with love and confidence in themselves, and create safe spaces and relationships where they can explore further.
I encourage you to do the same. Find a male companion that you can trust and confide in that can help you face the fears head on – together. You dealt with much of your childhood fears alone; you don’t need to anymore!
I hope this helps brother! Keep moving forward, get the help you need, and know that you are only alone if you choose to be!
(((Many Hugs))),
Garland
[av_hr class=’short’ height=’50’ shadow=’no-shadow’ position=’center’ custom_border=’av-border-thin’ custom_width=’50px’ custom_border_color=” custom_margin_top=’30px’ custom_margin_bottom=’30px’ icon_select=’yes’ custom_icon_color=” icon=’ue808′ font=’entypo-fontello’ av_uid=’av-230hk7′]
Garland Jarmon heralds from 7 years as an HIV/AIDS educator and sexual health counselor for individuals and couples. Having a Masters in Social Work and now as a Certified Sexological Bodyworker, he seeks to help all those in the LGBTQIA, straight, and Bator community live a more wholesome and embodied life, full of mindfulness and conscious exploration.
Toby de Luca comes from a background in Education and Massage Therapy. With a Masters in Teaching and also as a Certified Sexological Bodyworker, he to assist folks in facilitating stronger, healthier relationships with their own bodies and their relationships with others.
Together they co-own their own Sex and Erotic Coaching business — Spiritual Eros (www.SpiritualEros.com). They desire to bring to the BateWorld Community an opportunity to have open and honest discussion about issues that many of us face. They believe that everything is an experiment and that the only failed experiment is one you don’t collect the data from. They also understand that because their answers may not fit every lived experience, they welcome community members to offer their own experiences, challenges, and triumphs. They are proponents that healthy community creates healthier lives…and healthy lives, healthier communities!
Garland and Toby are Sexologists and as such are NOT medical doctors or therapists. The opinions, suggestions, and advice given are not meant to be in lieu of your primary care physician’s medical advice. If you are concerned about a medical condition or have a medical emergency, PLEASE contact your doctor, urgent care, or emergency room!
Brothers, we encourage you to exercise your best and highest wisdom and intuition!
If you’d like to submit questions, please email them to [email protected].
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I think the advice here is excellent, but I want to add one insight on the subject of forgiveness. Forgiveness is not for the for the person or persons who wronged you – it’s for YOU, the victim. When you forgive someone, it’s not you saying “It’s OK, everything you did to me is in the past and done, you are absolved of all wrong-doing”. It’s not you giving them a pass or letting them off the hook. Forgiveness is about you letting go, it’s about you deciding that the past won’t hold you back any more, it’s about you deciding that you don’t deserve to live in pain and fear because of what someone else did to you. People that hurt you may not deserve forgiveness, but you deserve the peace that forgiveness brings. Forgiving others is a gift to yourself.
Regarding the guy that grew up in the SB household:
I was raised by a loving Mom and Dad. I had an older brother and an older sister. In my early childhood we moved a lot because of my Dad’s work. My first exposure to sex was when I was about 6. It was from a neighborhood buddy that I first heard, “If you show me yours, I show you mine.” From that day, I was intrigued by anything sexual. Moving to a different town two or three times a year, always afforded me a new buddy, and I learned something new from every one of them. When I was 12, my Mom “introduced” me to the Birds & Bees, but I had already learned everything that she told me. When I was 13, we moved to a town where I met a guy on my way to the first day of school, AND at a new school. That was over 60 years ago. We became INSTANT buddies and stayed buddies all thru Jr. High and Hi School. We did a LOT of sexual experimenting together, and, as a result we learned a lot together. When something came up that neither one of us knew anything about, we would ask another buddy. If he did not know, he would ask one of his buddies. I told my buddy that my Mom had discussed sex with me, but HIS parents NEVER mentioned sex to him. I guess you would say that we were each others “therapist”.
This guy served as as an usher at my wedding and we are still close friends today. He has a wife and wonderful family, as do I, and he live in another state, so we communicate on the Internet.
RE: Forgiveness. This is one of the hardest things I can do. It is so very hard for me to forgive someone who has stabbed me in the back or hurt on of my family……sometimes I just cant do it……..but you ARE right.
Wow! I could have written this (with the exceptions that I was heavy and lived with Aspergers, a mild form of Autism). This is so similar to my story, including being Southetn Baptist, that it brings up an overload of emotions. One of the worst things parents can do to their children is to pretend that sex/eroticism does not exist because that gets interpreted as there being something very wrong and abnormal about a huge part of who each of us is. My mother insisted that I always wear a shirt, even when mowing the lawn with a push mower (we lived in Florida) because she insisted that “men should be ashamed to be seen without a shirt”. The first time that I shot my load, I thought that I had broken something inside my body and started crying as I considered going to the hospital. After that, I was mortified that someone might realize that I masturbated. I never saw a photo of a naked woman until I was 22 years old, and was shocked to see what their “nasty part” looked like. Nowadays, I am a firm believer that parents should visit nudist resorts with their kids and that sex and eroticism should be discussed unabashedly with young children (as soon as they no longer believe in Santa Claus, at the latest).
I have never thought about it until you just mentioned it but that is a GREAT idea for parents to take their young kinds to a nudist resort/camp. They would learn so much and then they would be comfortable with their own bodies naked and being naked around others. Kids self esteem would go through the roof. Best idea of the year!!!!
I started going to a nude beach a number of years ago. I was one of those people who would not even wear sandals, but there was something inside me that wanted to try being nude in public. Amazingly, it felt so natural. Part of me loved sitting there naked and seeing other nude men. I managed to shoot a few loads privately and kept it in my mind for later masturbation. Then there was the time when someone from my town saw me and said hello. Boldly, I later walked naked to where he was and we had a nice conversation, both fully nude. Totally natural and I highly recommend it.
Just writing this has given my cock a rise…I will shoot a load now. And I highly recommend the experience.
Hi Dr. Bate,
Why do I sometimes still have feelings of guilt after masturbation? I am forty years old, I know that jacking off is great but I still feel sad sometimes after I shoot my load.
Thanks!